October 06, 2004

"Nobody is ever missing."

Had more than a few dreams last night about lost people. My childhood friend's dad died a few years ago, and I had somehow seen him and was able to give a message to my friend. I also had seen his brother, who for sometime was a junkie stealing stuff from his mom's house and my house in order to raise a few dollars for some heroin in SF, and I was able to tell my friend--who in my waking hours has been out of contact with me for at least four or so years--something vital and important, something that had to do with the intimation of love. Then being awake on my balcony, singing in the bright, chilly morning a song that has no words, I tried to consider myself. Last week, I think it was Friday, I was walking back from the Family Mart by my school, faced by a blinding angle of sunlight, and sensed myself from afar. That is I was not myself, not in my body, but just looking at this figure casting a shadow on the sidewalk, dressed formally with a clean shave, nice shoes, and an expressionless face. This has been happening since I have been in Japan--both my restless walks from school in the middle of the day (the only reason I have to be thankful for convenience stores), and my sense of not being in my life. Last night I let myself be pulled again into the emptiness of a pallid and immature desire for that which I do not want. And today I am ready to give up a lot again, to give it as praise, to send whatever it is I have here out to that person that may or may not be listening across the way.


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