May 31, 2005

The End of May

Things have started to look promising again, much like life was at the end of May last year. For some strange reason, May 28 has been, in consective years, quite an auspicious date for me. Last year I met my former girlfriend Rie (at the time it seemed fortuitous, yes). We dated for an ephemeral 3 months, still keeping in touch, though in an awakward way. This year, I feel (as usual) humbled by something going good for me. Whenever something happens like this, I instinctively hold my breath as if the one moment I have long been waiting for will come soon enough. So now, let me quit this stupid reaction of mine. Let me breathe. Day by day, I tell myself (now on the third day of quiting smoking). What am I talking about? What happened? Love? To be honest, I really don't know yet. I met a lovely girl in Osaka by the name of Kanako, with whom I have yet to spend much time with. But the prospect of doing so has made my hours a little more lightened, peaceful, and my thoughts are a bit clearer. As long as I can focus on other things, on my life ,that is, I think I will be safe from making most of the mistakes that I have kept on making until now.

This year's rainy season, in contrast with last year's, has been creeping into being in a meticulously coquettish manner. By this time last year (the 1st of June, which will fall tomorrow) Kibi was thick with the gray haze of humidity, with the rice paddy frogs' chant of ceaselessly droning vespers (late into the night), sudden, one-day storms, soaked clothes, sweaty clothes, close calls riding my bike through the muddy, puddly, insect-infested mikan fields; a month was spent being lonely and staring out the screen door every night not wanting to do my laundry because of the risk that opening the screen meant--increasing my apartment's mosquito population dramatically. However, a new year has come, and so far I have not felt the rainy season 梅雨, as hard. Every day is slightly warmer, more humid, the breeze hasn't kicked down, but fails to cool me as much as before. I find myself sweating again in class (a lot), which is a good thing (unless I forget to wear deodorant). Overall, the entry into summer has been a gentle one this year. I run the risk of employing a pathetic fallacy if I were to say that my current state of mind is similar to this year's rainy season. Last year was a plunge in the purest sense--in a dark, restless, urgent state of mind, hurling myself into and out of relationships as though I were riding my bike through a typhoon. This year, my emotions have begun to settle, even if my words are still too unclear, abstract, free floating, and inconcrete.

For exammple, take the act of eating watermelon in the sun. One of the best fruits in the world, try a few slices of watermelon on a hot day, especially when hungover, There is something about the texture and flavor of watermelon that resembles the emotional equivalent of a hopeful, grateful forebearance. "It's all good!" Was the catch phrase some few years ago. Maybe it is. If it isn't, well this here, this present moment, still can be good.


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